Lessons Learned: Single in the City... Stories of Quit

The Ex: QUIT calling, something about me kissing other boys.
The User: QUIT answering my phone calls. Damn caller ID
The Broker: won't QUIT calling.
The Agent: won't QUIT leaving obscene text messages
The Editor: QUIT responding to text messages.
The Love of my Life: will never QUIT being Ralph Macchio

Lessons Learned: Rock the Boat Baby!

BitchNichole left the office around 5:30 last night with PapaPhilley and Mo for a boat cruise around the city. PapPhilley had been talking about this party for the last two weeks always saying "invite your sisters and anybody else that wants to come." So she of course invited SheRa, Athena, and Strawberry out for the party.

After arriving at Peir 16 the Welsh Goddess realized that none of her friends were in sight and quickly began making phone calls to inquire about their whereabouts. PapaPhilley said they were all out of free tickets and should enter the boat to hide from the invited guests who may not be able to board. As the diva made her way onto the boat Starwberry called her name and after a quick introduction to PapaPhilley as her "friend from Nebraska," she explained that they were all out of tickets. At this point the door man said "Wait you're from Nebraska? Go ahead I think I saw your ticket already." Afterwards Strawberry was quoted as saying "Who knew dropping Nebraska would get me on the boat for free?"

As the two Nebraskans stood in line for drinks BitchNichole's phone rang and SheRa asked if they were going on the Zephyr. BitchNichole ran up to PapaPhilley and asked if it was possible to get a ticket for her sister. The "professional model" came through once again finding one of the last free tickets and providing access to this exclusive event. But there was still one of the PrettyPosse that was missing: Where was Athena???

Stawberry, SheRa, and BitchNichole were saddened by the fact that their party would be incomplete for the night and watched as the crew removed the ropes from the dock when HSP shouted "That's not her waving in the white shirt is it?" The group looked out the doorway to see a sweaty, red faced Athena sprinting towards the boat!

"Stop! Wait! We can't leave without my sister! Please! Please let her on the boat!" shouted BitchNichole as PapaPhilley ran and grabbed the party hostess by the ankle on her way to the upper deck attempting to get one last ticket. The sweaty Athena tore off her long sleeved shirt and jumped on the boat to party it up with the rest of the PrettyPosse.

All in all it was a fun filled evening. Strawberry got to dance with another professional model. That makes two in one week. BitchNichole engaged in a conversation with a sports agent who has seen Jerry MacGuire over 130 times and has found a new favorite drink.

Favorite comment of the day: "I've got a shoot today and I'm wearing boxers can you call up that MacchioBroker and ask where I can get a good pair of briefs in Union Square? Hell no I'm not being serious I don't want you talking to that guy."

Favorite comment of the night: "No I like it, but I wouldn't put it on my iPod or anything. You have a mini? That's so hot when girls carry mini's. Can I call you tomorrow to flirt?"

Lessons Learned: The Tiring Life of a Celebrity

Last week BitchNichole recieved an invitation from Athena to a Tuesday night rooftop Hugo Boss party. She had had a long day at work and when she arrived home Theropian told her they were leaving in half an hour and to get ready for the party. The girls were an hour late due to BitchNichole last minute preparations of showering, hair do's, and applying fake eyelashes. After leaving the apartment the divas realized that they were both missing their cell phones. With no time to go back up the four flights of stairs to grab the essential communication device BitchNichole exclaimed "It's cool were just gonna be living like its the early ninties tonight," as they quickly ran towards the A train.

They arrived at Shera's place to realize that the rest of their party had already left for the gala, so the two slackers waved a cab and rode towards the general vacinity of where they thought the party might be. When exiting the cab they approached a man in a suit and asked where the Hugo Boss party was taking place. He walked them to the corner where they ran into IWishYouWereStraight who attemped to call Athena to find her whereabouts so that the belated party goers could get in. His attempts failed but the girls walked to the guest table to give their names anyway.

BitchNichole walked up to the E section and gave them her name, but Theropian's name was missing from the list!!! What were the divas to do? They went behind the crowd and pressed their hands together and a perfect star came out on the wrist of fugitive Theropian. The girls showed their hands to the doorman who stepped aside to let the ladies enter, and they giggled as they walked onto the elevator.

As BitchNichole stood in line to get her free drinks she saw a familiar face. ATHENA!!! She screamed her sister's name and saw that the beauty was talking to a nervous IWishYouWereStraight who was encouraging Athena to go downstairs so that the two slackers could join the party. He looked relieved and said, "Thank God you girl got in!"

The pretty posse stood around sipping their drinks and mingling (with a little dancing from SheRa). When they escaped to the side to catch a breather Athena looked over at the man standing next to them who looked strangely familiar. BitchNichole approached him and shouted into his ear above the roaring music "Is your name Andrew?" The familiar face then pulled back and looked down questioning at the diva. "I think I went to highschool with you," she exclaimed as she re-introduced herself and held out her hand for a shake. The fellow B Alumn then grabbed ahole of the goddess is a tight embrace as she showed him that her sisters were present as well. While Athena and SheRa reminised with the Alumn BitchNichole strained to remember how she had known him in years past.

The night went on with a tipsy Starwberry grinding on a one Mr. Taye Diggs, nekked dancers, and spinning from Tommy Lee.

When BitchNichole rolled out of the shower the next morning she was greeted on the other side of the door by a freshly awoken Theropian who groggly quipped as she walked past the diva"We sipped champagne with Taye Diggs at a party last night, just in case you forgot."

Lessons Learned: Coupons Galore!

BitchNichole left work early on Friday evening and after delivering a package headed down to Union Square with only one boy on her mind: a one Mr. Harry Potter. It was finally the night of the midnight release and she was anxious to get her pretty little hands on a copy. She ran to Barnes and Noble to get a yellow wrist band and after standing in line for about an hour (and realizing that her work clothes made her look a little too much like the part of a little English school girl) grabbed a cup of magical potion and ran home for a quick costume change so she wouldn't look too pathetic alone in the bookstore surrounded by Sci-Fi nerds and small children.

At 11:30 the diva's number was called and she was allowed to enter the ground floor of the bookstore where she saw many characters from the book including Dumbledore, Snape, the Fat Lady, Hagrid, and Hedwig taking pictures below a clock counting down the minutes and seconds until the sixth book would be sold. At thirty seconds the whole crowd started counting down with the clock and BitchNichole had flashbacks of her least favorite holiday of all.
When the clock struck midnight employees began coming out of every door with boxes and boxes of the high sought after second to last book, and the crowd screamed as Hedwig made her way over to the first person in line and sold the small child her book.

After spending the entire weekend finishing up "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" BitchNichole was distraction free and ready to party hard. She met Athena, Shera, and Strawberry at the Pink Pony, a favorite brunch stop in the Lower East Side and headed down for for a comedy show at Pianos. Shera and Athena accidently dodged a doorman who was doing a poor job catching minors while Strawberry and BitchNichole were forced to show him identification.

They headed to the comedy section of the bar and after listening to obscene stories about vampires (I'm sure you know what I mean) BitchNichole was smitten by a group of boys that put on a skit show about teenage girls in Kansas, Billy Corgan songs, and oh yes suicide. "These boys will fall in love with me." BitchNichole thought to herself as she made eye contact with the dreamiest of them all and tripped over a woman standing behind her. Needless to say our hero BitchNichole is not so smoothe around dreamy comedians.

While yet again looking at spaces with PapaPhiley yesterday BitchNichole recieved a text message on her phone from who else but the MacchioBroker. After asking if she had finished the book yet he sent a message that said "So do I have you now? Being that you have no more distractions..... can you hang out one night this week?" BitchNichole replied that she was planning her attack to get the UnnamedComedian to fall in love with her on Wednesday but could go out that night. He agreed and they decided to meet in Union Square at 6:30.

BitchNichole left early being told by PapaPhiley to "make sure that boy takes you out to dinner this time. Don't let him be cheap," and headed to the Virgin Megastore across the street from his office and picked up an Elton John cd on sale before headed outside to tell MacchioBroker that she was there. He met her outside and walked her to the same bar he had taken her before. When ordering drinks he pulled out two coupons for them to use to get free drinks. The diva hesitantly took the coupon in hand not knowing what to do with cheapskate standing next to her. He then asked her what she was going to order when she replied a rum and coke he said "Oh I think you can only order vodka with that."

BitchNichole hadn't had vodka for about eight years and questioned in her head what she could get with vodka that wouldn't make her sick in the morning. She decided on a simple vodka and cranberry. They then sat in the bar for about half an hour discussing hair, family, and skin color (MacchioBroker made several comments on how BitchNichole needed to get a tan). Then a man approached the table and asked for $5 because it was poetry night at the bar and instead of getting in an argument BitchNichole decided to leave pretending she hated poetry.

They then went to the park to analyze nonverbals and BitchNichole thought to herself "I've been on this exact date before." Then MacchioBroker complained that he had to go to the bathroom and that he could only use the one in his office but if BitchNichole would like she could go back to Brooklyn with him and chill at his place. The diva respectfully declined the offer and they parted ways with still no kiss, but a very awkward hug in its place and the diva rode the L to 8th just to give him the idea that she was going home. At this point the diva has no desire to ever see the MacchioBroker again, really he paid in coupons.

She then called Athena and met up with she and Strawberry to take a ride on the Statten Island Ferry (no bathroom yet, got to get the nerves up first) where they got a very interesting tour from a friendly Ferry rider who shared much information about the island and the ferry to the three beautiful ladies.

Leassons Learned: New Hair Brings Out New Super Powers

BitchNichole has now spent an alarming two months as a blonde. During the this time period a small experimentation of the communication styles of the human race has also been taking place. However, the diva has discovered a glitch in the experiment, and as a result has developed a strange super power the likes of which you can only read about in comic books.

What is the inconcievable super power you ask? The magnetic power to attract real estate brokers! It is amazing! The diva now has the power to make these otherwise professionals fall at her feet and and kiss her blistery, peeling toes. Old, young, married, single, divorced, widowed, handsome, and hideous, they all cannot help but fall desperately in love with our hero BitchNichole.

So, what name will this alterego be called? After considering several names (i.e. the Brokenator) she has decided upon da da da da the HeartBroker!

Lessons Learned: I Fought the Law and I Think I Won

After leaving the office at approximately 6:35 Wednesday evening, frustrated from a client who kept refering to BitchNichole as "Kristen", the diva began her journey to her beloved A train, listening to a recently created playlist of New York music on her iPod. While bouncing along to Ben Kweller's "My Apartment" she bumped into a juvenile delinquent stuffing a stolen magazine under his shirt being chased by an angry store magazine. She quietly laughed to herself thinking about how much she loves New York.

She then entered the station and swiped her superpass metro card as she merrily made her way to the uptown train. As the train arrived something flew up from the infested tracks below and landed in her magnetic right eye (named so after getting sawdust, hot ash, and several unknown items stuck in it in the past). The eye immediately began to swell, burn, and emit mucus.

Distraught by her agony BitchNichole stuffed the metrocard in what she thought was her purse and entered the train where she cried for five minutes out of the right side of her face and removed her contact while several other A train patrons stared with delight. She exited the train at 175th St and ran the two blocks and four flights of stairs to the safety of her apartment.

This morning she groggily left the building having stayed up too late watching John Cussak movies and talking on the phone to a drunken MacchioBroker. When she arrived at the A station she noticed that the metrocard was MIA! To make matters worse all of the card dispensers were credit card only. She looked around for a few seconds and decided that there was only one was to get to work on time: she would need to break the law.

It was at this point that the sweaty distraught Welsh Goddess began approaching people in the station explaining that she would give them two dollars if she could get them to swipe her through. After approaching 5 to 10 busy Washington Heights residents who snubbed her off by saying "That's illegal!" a friendly gentleman took pitty on her and sold the diva his card for two dollars. She quickly swiped the product of the illegal transaction and ran onto the next A in the station.

Shortly after the train pulled out of the station it stopped due to "technical difficulties." BitchNichole thought to herself that this was just a ploy for the cops to catch up to her and her illegal transaction. The man sitting next to her exclaimed that he was going to be late for jury duty while the diva looked up at a sign explaining the wrongs of buying metrocards off of people in the subway stations and fidgitted nervously in her seat feeling the guilt of the criminal lifestyle she had recently embarked upon and began to imagine her life as a fugitive. Was two bucks really worth it?

The train rolled into motion yet again and she jumped off at 42nd Street and innocently strolled through the station careful not to make eye contact with any police officers. When she entered her office she confessed her criminal ways to PapaPhilley who took her later that day to buy a temporary replacement card.

As of now BitchNichole claims to have learned the lessons of her crime and has vowed to become a more law abiding citizen.

WELCOME TO BLOGVILLE

BitchNichole would like to welcome blog virgins JanuarySuperModel (AKA Rooms), NorthernPrincess (AKA SquirrelAss), and KansasTelegraph (AKA Mom40) to the wonderful world of blogspot blogging! Thats four that she's converted in the last 6 months!

Lessons Learned: One Step Closer to Heaven

Last Friday PapaPhilley, BitchNichole, and SexistRussell were walking around the city looking at spaces and discussing the love life of the poor diva. It came up in the conversation that the Welsh Goddess had recently been stood up not one...but twice by the MacchioBroker. It was at this point that PapaPhilley said "Don't feel sorry for her the only reason she even likes him is that he looks like Scott Baio."
BitchNichole's jaw dropped as she exclaimed "Scott Baio? Are you kidding me? Its Ralph Macchio!"
SexistRussell got a look of confusion in his eyes, "Ralph Macchio? You like that guy? I know him."
There was a long process of convincing that took place next as the diva calmly said "If you are messing around with me I will totally kill you!"
At this point SexistRussell pulled out his cell phone and proudly displayed the number of the Welsh Goddess's object of obsession.
She then found out that the 80's idol is recently divorced and currently residing in NYC!
She worked her charm on SexistRussell for the remainder of the work day in hope of a blind date.
Since that day the Welsh Goddess has taken her camera to work everyday just in case. She shows slight signs of dissappointment everytime the door opens and PapaPhilley is the only one on the other side.

Lessons Learned: Communication Theory Fantasizies

The other day BitchNichole was fantasizing about Expectancy Violation theory on the train (for those loyal readers not familiar with the the theory it simply boils down to the fact that the Welsh goddess has hit a whol new level of nerdom, but she still refuses to participate in innappropriate blogging). She was taking note of the norms of the train and noticing the reactions of other New Yorkers when those expectations had been violated.

Then she came up with a crazy idea as to a possible violation of her own.* She thought wouldn't it be funny if she were sitting next to some one on the train and when the doors opened to her stop she quickly kissed the person next to her on the cheek and ran away. She thought to herself what a great story that person would have to tell their friends when they arrived at their destination.

But don't worry Mom40 there is no need to call BitchNichole in ten minutes to warn her of the reprecautions she could get as a result of this violation of communication norms. She has taken several classes that have explained that within Expectancy Violation Theory there are both positive and negative reactions that the other passenger could possibly take on. So far the negatives (i.e. getting slapped or a gun pulled on me) are outweighing the positives (giving some one a great story to tell their mates).