Lessons Learned: HEY, Hey I Need You Back!

Ok so BitchNichole was pretty much over Ben Kweller until she saw this video on youtube of his grandma jazzercising to one of his songs.

Athena has also informed the diva of a song that he sings about a girl in a sundress and we all know how BitchNichole loves the sundress. They are pretty much meant to be despite the whole him being married thing.

Lessons Learned: A Bit of Advice for Next Time

ElleShoes: What's that?

BitchNichole: Dontdatehimgirl.com it's this website where they list guys that have done bad things to girls and you can look up guys you know and see if they're on it.

ElleShoes: Awesome!

BitchNichole: Yeah I like to see if any of my exes are on here.

ElleShoes: Wouldn't it make more sense to check before they are exes.

BitchNichole: Oh yeah. I never thought of it that way.

BitchNichole has been dealing with major phone issues for basically the last year. After a strong love/hate relationship with Cingular, the diva is fairly confident that the two parties have come to a happy understanding.

After spending the last three months using the little diddy on the left our heroine is finally upgrading to the little guy on the right.

Now she'll be chatting it up in style.

Lessons Learned: Everything Will Be Alright

Athena said Ralph Macchio is a guido.

Oh yeah? I've never met a guido in my life that could beat the devil in a guitar playing contest so take that biatch!

BitchNichole has a date with FOUR beautiful, straight, French men tomorrow. That means one thing... 12 hours have passed and its time for the random making out to begin! Score!

Lessons Learned: Are We Really Doing This Again?

It appears that we are starting up the whole blogging wars thing again. And I'm starting to realize that we serve as the perfect muses for each other, because we've gotten hurting each other down to a science.

So since this is the way we communicate best... Yay, congratulations you got another entry. If you want to talk let me know. Because this "maybe" we're blogging about each other under the facade of being drunk thing is starting to get frustrating.

Sh... I still really enjoy drunkenly honest/fake you.

Lessons Learned: An Afternoon of "Research"

Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing... but after doing a bit of e-stalking BitchNichole couldn't be any happier that she no longer lives in Nebraska.

She's so uncomfortable she's bound to give herself a case of the hiccups.

Lessons Learned: He Doesn't Look a Thing Like Jesus...

Okay so back in April of last year BitchNichole had a vision of her future husband that surprised everyone around her.

Today when she was walking to meet Athena for dinner at Ariba Ariba she was feeling kind of low as she worked her way toward 3rd Ave. She was thinking about the bad luck she has with men and karma until it hit her all at once. It was the exact image that she had seen before followed by an overall feeling of complete comfort that took her bad feelings away immediately.

She quickly told Athena about the repeated vision as soon as she saw her.

Athena's response seemed to point more towards the Killers song that our heroine was listening to at the time rather than the future Mr. BitchNichole.

If this is indeed the soul mate of BitchNichole he's way cooler than we're all ready for, and everyone's going to be way jealous when they meet him.

Lessons Learned: The Celebration Never Ends

Last night, after dealing with some crazy drunken behavior, BitchNichole has decided that she all too often finds herself embarrassed and taking care of drunken fools. Such was a similar situation last year in the picture above where our heroine nervously bites her fingernails as TheUser puts on a little song and dance (He later went on to dig under his bed and find a blow horn which he pressed right by her face and got sick later on while she took care of him).

The Welsh Goddess has decided that she is forced all too often to deal with this behavior. She has come to the conclusion that she will no longer take care of boys that she likes when they've gotten themselves into drunken trouble because she ends up looking pathetic like this picture. And when they sober up no one cares in the end anyway.

So go ahead and get stupid drunk and call her to tell her that you don't know how things went wrong and that you need her while you're puking on the phone. Yeah go right ahead and do that and then wake up hung over in the morning and tell her that the girl that actually helped your drunk ass into a taxi was great and you want to send her flowers because she was so awesome and go on to laugh at the way you treated the Welsh Goddess.

Go ahead because she's not listening to it anymore.

Lessons Learned: Rock Chalk Jayhawk

TheHorse let his Nebraska side shine through last Sunday when he explained to BitchNichole that there was no way her Jayhawks could beat Southern Illinois.

The Welsh Goddess would like to take this opportunity to express her extreme remorse for TheHorse and his messed up bracket because the Jayhawks are kicking ass!

So sorry friend. There's always next year.

Lessons Learned: My Secret One And Only

You know those really really bad days when nothing is going your way and you just want to go back to bed because you know nothing could possibly go right.

And then it turns out you were right it is a spectacular, very bad day.

And you come home and Ralph Macchio is waiting in your mail box?

Yeah that's cool.

Lessons Learned: But You Make a Terrible Heterosexual

AwkwardFriend: Oh you would make such a cute lesbian if you aren't already one!

JewWithTattoos: No she's definitely not.

BitchNichole: Wait are you saying I'd look good with short hair?

AwkwardFriend: No I'm saying your personality. I was in a lesbian wedding once.

BitchNichole: Oh well I definitely don't even like girls as friends I'm pretty sure I couldn't take being in a relationship with one, but thanks.

Lessons Learned: The Only Muscle That Works Harder Than My Heart

BitchNichole reached for a book yesterday and had to stop herself shortly after opening it. She looked down to find her hands in an all too familiar position. She was in interp stance.

How had this happened? The diva hasn't competed in over two years, however this stance is so deeply embedded in her subconscious that she can't even pick up a book without getting ready to put on a show.

Looking back she noticed that she's been waking at 5 AM the last few mornings with a sinking feeling in her stomach. She finally realized that she has been experiencing the Post-AFA Blues! You know that feeling right after the season has ended when you wake up every morning thinking of the things you should have done better because you don't have the crutch of competition to assure you of your self-worth.

Does anyone else get these blues?

Lessons Learned: For Now Let's Be Real

Brought on by a blog entry you probably never intended me to read, you're getting face time in my dreams again.

Congratulations you win another round.

Lessons Learned: My Single Behavior (Revisited)

Now that BitchNichole has been a single lady for a good two weeks now she is done being in the dumps and ready to once again indulge in her single behavior: Dancing in her underwear. This is a dance that requires stripping down to your most unattractive grannie panties and dancing like an epileptic monkey around your room or apartment when no one can see you. It's the SINGLE AND PROUD OF IT dance!

She's added a few new songs to her underwear dance repertoire as well as some old favorites. For those of you that also enjoy the underwear dance here are the songs to consider when you're in the mood for a 'tude boost:

1. Then He Kissed Me - The Crystals
2. I Want to Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston
3. Jump (for My Love) - The Pointer Sisters
4. Wig Wam Bam - Sweet
5. Jump - Van Halen
6. Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley
7. What Are You Waiting For - Gwen Steffani
8. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
9. That Time - Regina Spektor
10. Fist City - Loretta Lynn

Happy Dancing

Lessons Learned: I Think I Took Too Much

BitchNichole has a new addiction: Martinelli's Apple Juice. This is pretty much the best apple juice EVER! It comes in these little glass jars that you can get in itty bitty or so-big-your-friends-will-dare-you-to drink-it-in-one-sitting.

Herein lies the problem. The diva has been drinking an average of half a gallon a day of this heavenly beverage and her stomach has been getting the backlash.

Unfortunately the diva will be taking a short break from Martinelli's goodness. Please support her during these tough times as she tries to break the addiction.

Lessons Learned: Two Years and Still Strong (A Reminder)

BitchNichole is very aware that she has let her 2nd Anniversary pass without any kind words or reminders to her loyal readers.

After a recent conversation with an individual who shall remain nameless about inappropriate blogging where it was decided that forgiveness would only come after the phrase "I love Phish" would be posted by the Welsh Goddess (heads up Phish totally sucks) BitchNichole felt it would be a good time to review the bloggable offenses laid out on the one year anniversary entry.

So for those of you that missed it here's a review:


For all of the featured players and attention seekers here's a list of things that are almost guaranteed to get you a posting:

1. ANYTIME Mom40 uses the F-Bomb (i.e. the time that Mom40 used it in reference to the LazySpud that charged her $15, the time she couldn't get the car wash to work).

2. Nights at TheShack and anything that occurs while there.

3. Any encounters with exboyfriends

4. Any fights that occur with the diva (both verbal or physical).

5. Any birthday or celebrations that occur as a result.

6. Any hookups with random men (i.e. hot bartenders).

7. Anytime some individual screws the diva out of something (i.e sleep or otherwise).

8. Any awkward encounters with strangers (humans or dogs that bite her on the way back to her apartment).

9. Anytime an individual breaks the diva's heart.

10. Any apologies for her behavior after having one-too-many Malibu and Pineapples.

11. Any obscene phone calls from boys that "came home from school early."

12. Pictures such as this are likely to find themselves on the blog. See everyone looks like a fool.

This is just a short list of what could possibly be posted. For those players that are easily offended BitchNichole offers the following advice:

1. Stop committing bloggable offenses.
2. Stop chilling with the diva.
or the easiest:
3. Quit reading the blog. Really it's not that hard the diva herself has given up on several blogs due to their offensiveness.

The diva promises all her loyal readers another year of entertaining reading.

Lessons Learned: Ways to Tell This is Over...

We are so done if we were a steak you would have already sent us back and asked for a discount on the bill.

Lessons Learned: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Hey heads up... it really hurts when you break up with some one you really care about.

Please don't remind me of why I really don't like girls by placing judgment on me. I've already put enough on myself.

And now another word from Cristin to help me work through my pain:

"If some pretentious ass poem can stop me from thinking
about the way your laugh sounds, about the way your skin feels in the rain,
about how I would rather be miserable with you, then happy with anyone
else in the world.

If some pretentious poem can do all that,
then I am gone with the wind, I am on the road,
I have flow over the fucking cuckoo's nest,
I am gone, I am gone, I am gone."

Lessons Learned: To the Boy That Thinks I'm Too Fat and Opinionated

"If it was a game,
you won.

If you wanted me to surrender,
hand me the white flag.

Uncle. Uncle. Uncle."

-Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz

Before meeting you. After

Yeah you are totally right she got really fat.

Lessons Learned: Nothing Compares to You

Within the last year BitchNichole as loved exactly three boys: TheHorse, TheUser, and Wig. As she looks back at these three individuals with a slightly broken heart she believes that it is time for a quick lesson on each of the three. She hopes that in doing this she can analyze where she went wrong with all three of them in order to avoid a broken heart in the future.

So let's begin today's lesson with TheHorse.
How they met: The diva met TheHorse at forensics camp when she was 18. They were instant best friends and she immediately knew she could tell him anything. TheHorse spent a lot of time flirting with her which the Welsh Goddess despite strict rules preventing this, but any girl that's ever had the pleasure of meeting TheHorse knows what a ladies man he can be. The first night at camp Figgy and SquirrelAss pulled the diva aside to warn her about how he uses girls. Looking back on this makes the diva giggle.

The First Date: At the first speechie party of the year TheHorse and BitchNichole sneaked out of the shindig (that was occurring at his house by the way) to go dancing at TheShack. A terrible first date due to the fact that neither one of them have any rhythm whatsoever.

The First Kiss: New Student Days at HC always involves a crazy speaker, someone motivational to help the freshmen through their first semester. After the speech TheHorse was waiting outside the chapel. It would appear that he was waiting for the diva, but there was free pizza at this event which was more likely what had gotten his attention. Afterwards he and the diva went for a walk in Heartwell park and had their first kiss on that bridge that walks out onto that little island where people like to get married.

It Became Official When...: TheHorse never really wanted to call BitchNichole his girlfriend because he was working on a broken heart at the time. After a speechie Christmas party the diva pulled him aside to tell him that if he didn't want to be her boyfriend they wouldn't be able to make out anymore. And since she has kisses worth fighting for TheHorse went home to discuss the ultimatum with PrincessMike and FatDarren. A few hours later he came back and told her he would be her boyfriend.

The First I Love You: On Christmas Eve he left the diva a voice mail which said he loved her "and stuff". She wasn't going to settle for this so when he called her later that night she told him she never got a voicemail so he had to say it again to which she replied "I got the voicemail, I just wanted to hear it again."

The Breakup: This has happened so many times it's hard to pick one. But he will always be her first love and best friend. There is a special place in the diva's heart that will always serve as a home for TheHorse.

The next love unfortunately lies on the shoulders of TheUser.
How they met: The diva was ready to start a band her freshman year. In a class someone said their roommate was an awesome guitar player. She went to his dorm and he wasn't home so she left a note. In front of her dorm she saw a boy that was so stereotypically her type she had to go talk to him. After chatting for awhile she found out he was the roommate she had just heard about. She was smitten and wanted to find other ways to get his attention.

The First Date: An exboyfriend of the diva was going to be competing at skateboard competition that the Welsh Goddess was going to be judging. Not wanting to appear pathetic and show up dateless to the competiton, the diva asked TheUser to be her date. He held her hand and followed her around like a puppy the whole day and even got slightly jealous when she spoke to the ex. He told her she was too good for the guy and went a little beyond the criteria for fake date.

The First Kiss: At the after party for the skate competition TheUser had a little too much to drink. He followed the diva around the party and told her that he really liked her and was sorry that he was sometimes shy. He said she was the coolest girl at HC (a line that would be repeated time and time again, which made the diva foolishly believe he meant it). To shut him up the diva gave him a kiss, and they spent the night making out until he passed out on the couch whispering "you'll never know how much I love you BitchNichole"

It Became Official When...: It NEVER became official because every time that he told her he wanted to be her boyfriend there was always something in the way (i.e. she had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend, she was moving to New York, he was working on his art).

The First I Love You: When the diva finally told TheUser that she loved him he was response was "you can't love because you need to have a heart to love and you don't have one. You're just looking for another story to put on your pretentious blog"

The Breakup: You can't break up with someone you never dated.

And to wrap up the lesson we'll end things with Wig.
How they met: The met at a Halloween party hosted by one of Athena's co-workers. The diva was dressed up as Candy Corn and he was "Guy in Wig". He followed her around the party and kept eating the tops off of the candy corn the diva was carrying around in a bucket. Every time that she would talk to other boys at the party Wig would find away to pull her back into a conversation with him.

The First Date: After the two realized that they both have a slightly unhealthy obsession with grilled cheese sandwiches they decided it would be a great idea to make grilled cheese their first date. They went to a diner ordered the favorite meal and went back to his apartment to watch The Office. Afterwards he walked her back to her apartment where he stood on the doorstep and complemented himself on being such a great date and recapped all the things he had done well. This made the diva laugh. She then went upstairs and called BitchParis to brag about the great guy she had just been out with.

The First Kiss: At the Halloween party the two wondered off by themselves to talk alone. Wig tried and failed several times on a first kiss. He gave up on getting a kiss from the diva, and seeing this the diva pulled his face to her's and locked lips. The making out continued until the diva needed to head home. She accidentally gave him her number and he called several times after she left. She woke up the next morning, picked up her phone, and texted "who calls at 4:00 in the morning? We've got to work on your game." He was pretty much smitten after that.

It Became Official When...: He took the diva to a park next to his apartment and they sat down on a bench where he asked if she would be his girlfriend. When she asked how that was different from what was going on then he said she had to share her fries, and they would have a face-to-face break up. She agreed and then they went to play on the slides.

The First I Love You: At ElleShoes birthday party the two were leaving the bar after a fun night of celebration. The diva was slightly tipsy and after some giggling and joking around the diva playfully hit Wig and said I love you realizing what she had just said she stopped and goes "no wait that's not how I meant it." Wig replied "I know its getting harder for me not to say it too." They then agreed that they were in love but wouldn't say it in front of anyone else, on AIM or the phone.

The Breakup: After a particularly rough week for the diva Wig did and said somethings that the diva did not feel were appropriate and despite the fact that she is very much in love with him realizes that they cannot be together at the present moment.